For ages I’ve been saying that I’m not your typical chronic illness patient (if there is such a beast). I go to the doctor as infrequently as humanly possible. I tend to think any malady can be cured by a good long walk, a spot of physical work outside, and followed up with a drink of water. (It used to be gin, which might explain why my liver hates me.)
To prove my point I thought I’d excavate my bathroom cupboard.
Here we go:
1 x jar magnoplasm, out of date (ood)
1 x packet of soap
1 x foamy stuff that men put on their faces when they shave (not mine)
1 x packet disposable razors
1 x sunscreen
1 x body scrub
1 x other body scrub
1 x body scrub I don’t like
3 x different types of moisturiser none of which I really like, which is why they are pushed to the back of the cupboard
1 x bottle witch hazel (not mine)
1 x Listerine (not mine)
Huge number of hotel toiletries of various types because you never know, do you, all in a bag
1 x packet panadiene forte (not mine, ood)
1 x packet non-drowzy Telfast
1 x packet phenergan (both from when I discovered some allergy, but before I worked out it was from chamomile tea - go figure! Both ood)
3 x bottles Viekira Pak pink pills
3 x bottles dasabuvir
3 x bottles ribavirin
1 x roll sports strapping (I have a dodgy knee)
I x packet elastoplast
1 x blister pack
1 x packet cotton wool balls
10 x bottles of perfume oil
20 x small decants of perfume, all niche, all different types, all gorgeous
4 x bottles of really special perfume I keep in boxes (Creed’s Angelique Encens, Chanel’s Cuir Russie, Chanel’s No 19 and People of the Labyrinth’s Luctor et Emergo
40 x 50ml bottles of perfume (everything from Serge Lutens to Anne Pliska to Byredo to Messe de Minuit to Passage d’Enfer to Agent Provocateur)
3 x 100ml bottle of perfume (not my favourite size: YSL’s Nu and M7, Pink Sugar).
Notice anything missing? That’s right, nearly everything that any normal person has in their bathroom cupboard. Where is the panadol? The bandaids? The antiseptic? The disinfectant? The stuff people take for an upset stomach? The cold and flu tablets? The thermometer? The usual bits and pieces?
Short answer: I have no idea. I don’t think I have any. I do know the thermometer is in the stables, along with a stethoscope. The rest of it? Your guess is as good as mine.
I make a hopeless chronic illness person. But I smell really good.