I began this quest to dig deeper into my life and try to figure out the root problem of my emptiness. As I shared in the previous segment, I am 1 year post being CURED of HEP C, recently sold my companies after 14 years to do something else in my life. I was thinking by doing this it would open the door to my creative heart and go gang busters in a new direction.
Let me just stop there.... It is now 5 months post selling my companies and still have no idea my “direction.” I am going step by step analyzing my own life to dig into the underlying factor that is causing me this “emptiness”. I am hepatitis c FREE I should be on top of the world... RIGHT???
Things went well the first month after selling out. I dug deeper into my foundation The Bonnie Morgan Foundation for HCV
Reaching out to as many in a day as I could to mentor and help through their fight with Hep C. I bought a industrial embroidery machine to start up another spin off of my old company (screen printing) but waking up each morning got harder and harder.
I searched out my personal mentor whom has become such a dear friend. Asked her what she did after being “cured” and how she maintained daily sanity in her life. I took her suggestions to heart, and put them into play in my life.
I found I was missing my daily life of business after 14 years and I was so drained and wrapped up in my foundation that I had no time for myself, let alone my children. I was attached to my computer, my iphone 12-16 hours a day. Slowly,my energies were draining by each person who reached out to me. I lost the ability to say...“I am sorry, it now time for me”. (and not feel guilty). After all, I wanted the world to know what it feels like to be CURED. I wanted to help lead as many as I could to the finish line.
I also found it extremely hard to to have your business in your home. The first few weeks were met with me jumping out of bed showering, getting makeup on, hair done and flipping the open sign at 9 am. To slowly getting out of bed, forgetting to change the sign to open and throwing the hair into a pony tail. My mentality was... I sit before a computer...who is “really” going to see me?
I saw this vibrant go-getter of a woman changing before my eyes. I’d stare into the mirror and see a tired, worn out, nothing left to give person. I blamed it on selling my companies. Maybe if I would have tried to keep them I would not be this worn out fatigued person anymore. My energy level dropped so low, my body began to hurt again. My diet and my exercise was (and I am embarrassed to share) one I knew was WRONG. I turned to things I knew were not good for me... candy, coffee, more coffee, bag of chips in the closet. Anything to get me through my day.
Having no energy to do much of anything anymore, I wrote off my fatigue as “withdraws” of medication. That I know now is a poor excuse. But I could not face the real reason, which was that I did not set limits for my own personal mental health, I just kept giving and giving to others. My thought was “they need me.” I needed someone and so do these people. If I am not there, no one will be.
BIGGEST MISTAKE I have made in a very long time. I was so crazy to think I could be the Mother Theresa of Hep C. Wasting my own body, my own mental health down to nothing, to a point where I was NO GOOD to anyone who contacted me. I no longer could rationalize situations, make good judgment to help and offer assistance. My family life at home suffered the most. My kids no longer had their happy go lucky mom. They had a shell of her but when they would speak to her she was not there. No response, off in her own gaze and thoughts of some patient somewhere needing her.
At times coming out of treatment, I can share that we have this drive to “save” others. I feel it is a warrior’s right to feel they have to “pass” the torch to another who suffers. What I have learned in the mental part of my journey is we must keep our eagerness in balance. Understand that drive to save others is real, but also understand our own mental state needs us. Our own families need us first and foremost. Not to mention your own body is still healing and trying to adjust to the “new” hepatitis FREE life.
After speaking to my mentor and applying these things to my mental state, I have come to reorganize my thoughts, and my mental abilities to give. I have to understand that I am still at Stage 4 in my liver disease, and although no Hep C is in my body, I have to treat it with the utmost care and protect it better than I was doing. The part I fail to respect is my liver health is not out of the woods. I still must be careful, get frequent check ups and most of all rest.
It is OK to say No, it is OK to put something off till tomorrow. All great warriors need rest, all great leaders need time to regroup. We are only our best when we take care of ourselves first. Then others around us get the absolute best of US.
Take time to meditate, to enjoy the outdoors, to hear the birds sing and wind in the trees. Treat yourself with respect. Love your minds and love your bodies. We only get one.
Not without a FIGHT!~HCV~(c)
Kimberly Morgan Bossley